I am a failure & disappointment.

     It is so easy to fail and it is so easy to feel like a failure or disappointment. We do it all the time... and honestly? It hurts like a stepping on a bunch of legos when we do. Many people say that failure is just a push to keep going, to reach for success, and that's true, but it still is failure in some way, shape, or form.

     I hate failing. I hate not doing my best or giving something everything I can. I hate when I do give it my all and I still fail. I got an 80 on an assignment during school once and cried because it lowered my grade by 2 points. I got a 90 on a piece of my thesis and I was so angry at myself, never mind anyone else. I fell asleep early one night instead of prepping for Bible hour that week like I should have. I slept past my alarm so I couldn't read my Bible like I had planned. I didn't feel like doing anything so I ignored everything on my to-do list. I gave into a temptation and felt guilty for hours. I was lazy and just watched Netflix for four hours instead of being productive. I would sit at work and not actually work. I didn't help my family, a friend, etc, when I could have easily. Being a disappointment to anyone is a fear I live with constantly.The list goes on and on...

     In one way or another, these were all failures, large or small, on my part. I was a bad Christian, student, friend, sister, daughter, employee, whatever, in those moments. I hate admitting to myself how I much I have failed. I hate showing other people that I have failed because my personality does not want be to do that - perfection is something I am not, nor do I want to appear that way, but I'd rather be imperfect in the "good" ways, instead of the real, honest, non-pretty ones.

     This list of my failures isn't exhaustive, but it is a good starting point. The worst part of it is the feelings after I've realized my mistake or laziness or lack of ____. It is hard to admit to myself more than anyone else that sometimes, I'm not good enough. Actually, I really am not good enough.

But, He is. 

     God is everything I'm not. He is perfect. He does not have failures. He never disappoints. Ever. He does not fail, even when we think He might. When it looks like He has failed or disappointed us, it is really our false expectation of Him. That's on us. But that is why I can lean on Him. My failures make me imperfect and some of those things I might never be able to change because I am human, but every failure is a reminder to trust in Him to not only change those things in me, but to trust in Him when I cannot change the things around me. "... your Father in heaven is perfect." (Matthew 5:48).

     I am not perfect. I will never be perfect on this earth. Accepting that is hard... hard is the wrong word - it is an indisputable, ruthless, unwavering fact that I must not only acknowledge, but accept that I will never be perfect. But not only do I lean on Someone who is, but that Someone will never leave me to try it alone. I will not be in this fight against myself and my sinful nature alone:

Let your conduct be without covetousness; be content with such things as you have.

For He Himself has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”

So we may boldly say: "The Lord is my helper; I will not fear.

What can man do to me?”" (Hebrews 13:5-6)

     I am not attempting to become perfect because I never will be. But I will ask the Lord to make me like Him who is perfect. I may never get there on this earth, but I am going through this world side by side with the One who is. When I fail, He will pick me up and be right there to keep me going. It's not in us to always be pushing ourselves. We cannot be the ones to always help ourselves back up. There is only so much self-motivating I can do before I begin to doubt myself and fail again. That is why I am grateful that I do not rely on myself, but on One who cannot disappoint, who cannot fail, who reminds me to be strong and courageous, to not be afraid or discouraged because He is on my side.

     Take courage today. Our failures do not mean that we are a failure. They are reminders to lean not on our own knowledge and understanding (Proverbs 3:5-6), but to continue to trust and depend on our mighty, awesome, incredible Lord.

I'll leave you with these words from a hymn:

Have faith in God, He's on His throne,

Have faith in God, He watches o'er his own.

He cannot fail, He must prevail,

Have faith in God, have faith in God. - B. B. McKinney

~ Abby