frustration.

So I haven't posted in about 2 months. It's been crazy, working two jobs, studying World Religions, keeping up with church stuff, etc. As much as I love being really busy, I hate not being able to focus on certain things.


I am stopping my college program on April 22nd for 2 main reasons. 1) I do not feel called to what I was doing. I learned a lot about different things and myself, but it wasn't working. Plus, I was sick of failing. Failing tests made me feel stupid and also that feeling that I disappointed my parents, my coach, etc. My confidence was so low at some points that all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and cry. So I was tired of that feeling.  2) I am sick and tired of feeling alone. I know that I have a strong "back up group" but at the same time, I still feel alone. As a home schooler for my whole life, it never bothered me to be at home while half of my friends went to public school. It never bothered me until now. There are a number of students doing this college program and they are doing great. But I was tired of feeling separated from everyone else. My parents, my sister, my colleagues, my close friends all supported me through the past two years, but I was just tired of not having connections with other people.


So that's that. No because of the above decision, I now have to think about what God wants me to do. Am I supposed to go away to college or stay home? If I do go, what do I study? Where do I go? If I stay home, do I just work and be involved with my church even more than I am? These are the questions that I am asking myself multiple times a week. But I have no answers for myself, or anyone else.


So for at least the next few months, I will be writing, taking photos, making memories, going places, meeting new people, and just being myself. I wish there was an option for me where all I had to do was remind people that life isn't so bad, to smile, to remember Who made them, to live life, to love no matter what the cost, to be happy. I have not found that yet. I was once told that I had something that no one else had- a Doctorate in Being Abby. Being myself. It's hard to believe that when I have so much going against me (or at least that how it feels.)


I'm sorry that this turned into a sort of rant. It isn't grammatically correct and if it doesn't make much sense, I apologize, but I do feel better now that I got it out.


Thanks for listening (reading).
Abby

It's days like these that make me want to just...

Today was, is... just keep reading. 


  I sometimes feel like maybe none of it is worth all the effort that I put into it. There's an unknown quote that says "Before you give up, think of the reason why you held on for so long." My problem is that I don't remember what I've been holding onto. I can't remember the reason behind anything. Sometimes I feel like I've been doing it all just because. Lately, I've been studying Humanities for school and because I only do what subject at a time, I get so focused on doing well in that one thing that I can't remember why I'm doing it in the first place. I get stressed out about one little thing and I can't seem to follow up on any of it. I'm sinking, drowning, going down, deeper into something that I don't understand.


   This song has been playing lately over the radio, my iPod, and even in my head. But it's not "touching" me at all. But I'll share it with you anyway and maybe it will bless you.


"You are more than the choices that you've made, 
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes, 
You are more than the problems you create, 
You've been remade. 

'Cause this is not about what you've done, 
But what's been done for you.
This is not about where you've been, 
But where your brokenness brings you to

This is not about what you feel, 
But what He felt to forgive you, 
And what He felt to make you loved. 

You are more than the choices that you've made, 
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes, 
You are more than the problems you create, You've been remade." You are More by Tenth Avenue North

   There is a pressure to do different things and I feel like I'm drowning in it all. I think I am, drowning in the pressure and stress. I don't know. I don't understand. I want to know why. I want answers, but I'm not getting any.

 Why God, Why? Why do You give me these situations to go through but there does not seem to be anyway out? Why am I drowning? Why do I feel like it's all been in vain? Why do I feel like I'm doing it "just because?" WHY GOD, WHY?!?!? GIVE ME ANSWERS! PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!