I am a failure & disappointment.

     It is so easy to fail and it is so easy to feel like a failure or disappointment. We do it all the time... and honestly? It hurts like a stepping on a bunch of legos when we do. Many people say that failure is just a push to keep going, to reach for success, and that's true, but it still is failure in some way, shape, or form.

     I hate failing. I hate not doing my best or giving something everything I can. I hate when I do give it my all and I still fail. I got an 80 on an assignment during school once and cried because it lowered my grade by 2 points. I got a 90 on a piece of my thesis and I was so angry at myself, never mind anyone else. I fell asleep early one night instead of prepping for Bible hour that week like I should have. I slept past my alarm so I couldn't read my Bible like I had planned. I didn't feel like doing anything so I ignored everything on my to-do list. I gave into a temptation and felt guilty for hours. I was lazy and just watched Netflix for four hours instead of being productive. I would sit at work and not actually work. I didn't help my family, a friend, etc, when I could have easily. Being a disappointment to anyone is a fear I live with constantly.The list goes on and on...

     In one way or another, these were all failures, large or small, on my part. I was a bad Christian, student, friend, sister, daughter, employee, whatever, in those moments. I hate admitting to myself how I much I have failed. I hate showing other people that I have failed because my personality does not want be to do that - perfection is something I am not, nor do I want to appear that way, but I'd rather be imperfect in the "good" ways, instead of the real, honest, non-pretty ones.

     This list of my failures isn't exhaustive, but it is a good starting point. The worst part of it is the feelings after I've realized my mistake or laziness or lack of ____. It is hard to admit to myself more than anyone else that sometimes, I'm not good enough. Actually, I really am not good enough.

But, He is. 

     God is everything I'm not. He is perfect. He does not have failures. He never disappoints. Ever. He does not fail, even when we think He might. When it looks like He has failed or disappointed us, it is really our false expectation of Him. That's on us. But that is why I can lean on Him. My failures make me imperfect and some of those things I might never be able to change because I am human, but every failure is a reminder to trust in Him to not only change those things in me, but to trust in Him when I cannot change the things around me. "... your Father in heaven is perfect." (Matthew 5:48).

     I am not perfect. I will never be perfect on this earth. Accepting that is hard... hard is the wrong word - it is an indisputable, ruthless, unwavering fact that I must not only acknowledge, but accept that I will never be perfect. But not only do I lean on Someone who is, but that Someone will never leave me to try it alone. I will not be in this fight against myself and my sinful nature alone:

Let your conduct be without covetousness; be content with such things as you have.

For He Himself has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”

So we may boldly say: "The Lord is my helper; I will not fear.

What can man do to me?”" (Hebrews 13:5-6)

     I am not attempting to become perfect because I never will be. But I will ask the Lord to make me like Him who is perfect. I may never get there on this earth, but I am going through this world side by side with the One who is. When I fail, He will pick me up and be right there to keep me going. It's not in us to always be pushing ourselves. We cannot be the ones to always help ourselves back up. There is only so much self-motivating I can do before I begin to doubt myself and fail again. That is why I am grateful that I do not rely on myself, but on One who cannot disappoint, who cannot fail, who reminds me to be strong and courageous, to not be afraid or discouraged because He is on my side.

     Take courage today. Our failures do not mean that we are a failure. They are reminders to lean not on our own knowledge and understanding (Proverbs 3:5-6), but to continue to trust and depend on our mighty, awesome, incredible Lord.

I'll leave you with these words from a hymn:

Have faith in God, He's on His throne,

Have faith in God, He watches o'er his own.

He cannot fail, He must prevail,

Have faith in God, have faith in God. - B. B. McKinney

~ Abby

My God, My Shelter

I read this verse yesterday. It's actually my phone background and it just hit me when I saw it.

The name of the Lord is a strong tower;

The righteous run to it and are safe. Proverbs 18:10

Two quick thoughts: I love that it's "The name of the Lord". Sometimes, we can get so caught up in the big fancy words of a prayer when all we need to remember is the name of our God. That does not mean that we should not pray those heartfelt cries of our hearts, but remember that sometimes, all we need to say is His name. Tagging along with this is the second thought: it's a strong tower, a refuge, a stronghold. As Christians, we can run to that place and hide when we need to. He keeps us safe when we turn to him.

Remember that. God is our haven, our cave of protection, our hiding place. He is there for us to turn to when we need it.

~Abby

Grace

   Hi everyone! I mentioned in the last post that there would be a special interview with my friend Kristen talking about the grace of God. On the side is a picture of her, so for anyone who doesn't know her, you can put a face with the name. I hope her story encourages you!

How His Grace Found Me:

What was your understanding of God’s grace say, a year or two ago?
      A year or two ago I didn’t really give a lot of thought to grace honestly. The extent of how I viewed grace was probably the standard knowledge of being saved by grace, like by the cross of Jesus, through faith, you know, what they teach you in Sunday school about it and I kind of just left it at that I guess.

So tell us your story...
     So basically my story starts off with me slipping, ever so slightly. But hey everyone falls sometimes, right? Problem with that was that I didn’t get up after slipping. Instead I just let myself fall deeper and deeper into sin. It started with hanging out with the wrong people to finding myself in a toxic relationship. All along the way, one of my friends (my college roommate who lived with me and saw all of this going on) pointed out all these red flags and I, being blinded by my sin, justified every single one.
     It got to the point where I was so far down in the pit of sin that I couldn’t even see the point in living and I doubted the love of the God who made me and saved me. I can’t even remember how it got that bad, but sin can easily become blinders over your eyes, so I guess that’s how.
It was then that God used that same friend to open my eyes. She had people praying for my life that I don’t even know about. That’s why I’m here today, I think. She willingly came into my pit of despair and walked me out and back to Jesus when I felt too shameful and defeated to go to Him on my own. That’s grace right there – God reaching down and picking you back up Himself and even God using someone in such a way that it basically saves your life.
     It’s completely undeserved favor. God is so good to us even when we’re at our all-time low. Those are things I had already known – God is good, gracious, loving, merciful, forgiving- but to experience His hand of grace like that was surreal. When I felt too far gone to ever be loved or used by God again, He showed me His grace was deeper – deeper than my shame, deeper than my sorrow, deeper than my sin.
     Looking back, I feel silly sometimes when I think about the thought processes I had back then. But it just goes to show you that when you let a little bit of darkness into your heart and let it reside there, it will take you to places you never thought you would go. Get up when you slip, don’t keep sliding. How could I be so far down in sin and be where I am today? Grace. God’s grace.

How was God’s grace real to you because of all this?
     Hebrews 4:16 says “Let us approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” Before all of this, like I said earlier, I viewed grace as the means by which we were saved, you know, through faith on the cross of Jesus Christ. Of course that’s absolutely accurate. However, through all of this I’ve realized there’s so much more to grace. It’s a continuous thing. What I mean by that it’s God’s hand of grace that helps us in our time of need, our time of struggle, our time of stumbling.
     I’ve also learned that there’s no pit so deep that His love is not deeper still. (I think Corrie Ten Boom said that)...We’re never out of the reach of God. He gives grace upon grace like it says in John. Yes, grace saved me the day I gave my heart to Jesus, but grace also covers me daily, which I didn’t realize until recently. Our God is so good to us and always provides, even when the things we need are completely undeserved by our own merit, like His grace.

Anything you want to add? 
     I guess I just want to add that if anyone is feeling remotely similar to how I felt, know that you’re not too far gone. Sometimes we think because we are saved there’s no possible way we’ll make huge mistakes, but we forget that we’re human. Just because you’re saved doesn’t mean you won’t fall, sometimes even in huge ways, but remember how big God is.
     He is a gracious and merciful Savior who will meet you where you are. His grace covers you even when you fail, so get back up, wipe the dust off your feet and run full force toward the God who made you, who loves you, and who can deliver you.
     On the flip side, be conscious of others. Notice when people are struggling and be willing to let God use you to lift them up and to even walk through the valley they’re in with them until they remember who they are in Christ. Just let God use you however He wants.

     Our God is incredible. Listening to Kristen tell this story continually reminds me that God uses these situations which might seem impossible to fix or change or get out of, but He is faithful to take care of us, and when we look back, we see His hand in the situation, even if we did not want to see it at the time. A huge thank you to Kristen for her honesty in sharing her struggle and the amazing grace of God that pulled her out of it!

     I will add one thing, just in agreement of what Kristen shared at the end: be aware of those around of you. Notice the little things because they are the largest hints as to what someone could be going through. It sounds super cliché but it is important for us to pay attention to the other members of this Christian family. Encourage each other, pray for and with each other, offer advice if needed, and be a good listener. Point that person to Christ, repeatedly, every day if needed. They will thank you for it.

     I hope this was encouraging to all of you, if you are in this situation or not. If not, pay attention and help those who might be. If you are, reach out to someone around you! I am always here to pray and encourage you as well.

Blessings,
~ Abby

Meditate.

   Happy Thursday everyone! I read these two verses this morning during my Bible time and just wanted to share them with you:

"Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things. The things which you learned and received and heard and saw in me, these do, and the God of peace will be with you." - Philippians 4: 8-9

   Meditate today on thoughts of Jesus. Worship Him throughout the day, read your Bible on your lunch hour, listen to some praise music on the way home from work, encourage someone in Christ, take extra time to pray this evening. Keep focusing on the Lord and He will be faithful through the day. 

Blessings, 

~ Abby

P.S. - I have an exciting interview with one of my best friends coming up talking about the subject of God's grace! Keep your eyes open for that!

Above All Else.

Seek the Lord while He may be found,

   Call upon Him while He is near.

Let the wicked forsake his way,

   And the unrighteous man his thoughts;

Let him return to the Lord,

   And He will have mercy on him;

And to our God,

   For He will abundantly pardon.

“For My thoughts are not your thoughts,

   Nor are your ways My ways,” says the Lord.

“For as the heavens are higher than the earth,

   So are My ways higher than your ways,

And My thoughts than your thoughts. ~ Isaiah 55:6-9

   How many Christians sit every week in a Sunday service and hear the Word of God, but do not listen? How many of them get dragged down in bad times because they rely only on themselves?

   When we seek the Lord above all else, we find Him. Our situations disappear. Our focus shifts from the bad to His good. He does not want to see us suffer, but desires us to seek Him out. When we do this, our thoughts become His thoughts, and our ways His. Our paths become directed by Him.

   This isn't some magical formula that once we change our focus to Him, everything is fixed, but rather, we are in His will and we can have great confidence that He will remain in control.

~ Abby

PS - I'm thinking of creating a spot of this blog to share some of my poetry and writing. Thoughts?

Brokenness.

   How is it already the end of January?! My apologies for not posting in the last few weeks: work is beginning to get busy thanks to the upcoming tax season, I had very little break during the holidays from my four classes so I was catching up with them, plus I had midterms for a few of the classes last week, my mom had minor surgery on her hand, etc., etc., etc.. You all know how crazy life can get just when you think it can't get any busier. Anyway... 

   I wanted to share a thought that I had a few weeks ago. Scars are not pretty, but scars are a part of your story. Physical or emotional, visible or hidden, they are there. We all have them, but what we choose to do with them is up to us. They can remind us of how terrible things were and how broken we felt, but they can also show God's incredible love, mercy, and grace for bringing you through.

   Mandisa is one of my favorite Christian artists, and her album 'Overcomer' has become a huge blessing recently as I have been listening to it again. Her song "What Scars Are For" actually triggered the above thought in my head. Hearing the song and actually paying attention to the words are two different things and I actually listened to the words recently... Whoa. The chorus is below.

"They remind me of Your faithfulness

And all You brought me through.

They teach me that my brokenness

Is something You can use.

They show me where I’ve been and

That I’m not there any more,

That’s what scars, that’s what scars are for."

   That chorus hit me like a train at full speed: being so broken that there is no where else to run to, no one else to turn to but God. Wow. Psalm 51:14-17 says this:

"Deliver me from the guilt of bloodshed, O God,

The God of my salvation,

And my tongue shall sing aloud of Your righteousness.

O Lord, open my lips,

And my mouth shall show forth Your praise.

For You do not desire sacrifice, or else I would give it;

You do not delight in burnt offering.

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit,

A broken and a contrite heart—

These, O God, You will not despise."

   Not only do we feel broken, but we feel guilty and empty. What can I offer God when I have nothing in me? There is nothing left for my family, my friends, myself, so what could I possibly give to Him? Here's the thing. He wants your brokenness. He wants the emptiness of your soul. He wants you when you have nothing left to give. We question why anyone would want us when we are like that but it's what God does. He takes those shattered pieces of our lives and begins to mold them into something that He can use to show His faithfulness and grace. 

   Hopefully, my point was made, but if not, here it is in a nutshell: God wants the broken bits of you to bring glory to His name. Remember that when you have nothing, He is everything. 

~ Abby

Not a mistake.

     When I went through some of those dark times this year, (see post from December 10th here), one of the thoughts that I struggled with a lot was feeling that I was meaningless, worthless, and a mistake. These feelings came at times when I did not have control over something or I was unable to change a situation, when I messed up an assignment for school, or caused a problem with something at work. I am not sharing this to look for sympathetic comments, but to share how the Lord helped me overcome these thoughts.

Psalm 139. Wow.

O Lord, you have examined my heart

    and know everything about me.

You know when I sit down or stand up.

    You know my thoughts even when I’m far away.

You see me when I travel

    and when I rest at home.

    You know everything I do.

You know what I am going to say

    even before I say it, Lord.

You go before me and follow me.

    You place your hand of blessing on my head.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,

    too great for me to understand!

I can never escape from your Spirit!

    I can never get away from your presence!

If I go up to heaven, you are there;

    if I go down to the grave, you are there.

If I ride the wings of the morning,

    if I dwell by the farthest oceans,

  even there your hand will guide me,

    and your strength will support me.

I could ask the darkness to hide me

    and the light around me to become night—

     but even in darkness I cannot hide from you.

To you the night shines as bright as day.

    Darkness and light are the same to you.

You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body

    and knit me together in my mother’s womb.

Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!

    Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.

You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,

    as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.

You saw me before I was born.

    Every day of my life was recorded in your book.

Every moment was laid out

    before a single day had passed.

How precious are your thoughts about me, O God.

    They cannot be numbered!

I can’t even count them;

    they outnumber the grains of sand!

And when I wake up,

    you are still with me!

O God, if only you would destroy the wicked!

    Get out of my life, you murderers!

They blaspheme you;

    your enemies misuse your name.

O Lord, shouldn’t I hate those who hate you?

    Shouldn’t I despise those who oppose you?

Yes, I hate them with total hatred,

    for your enemies are my enemies.

Search me, O God, and know my heart;

    test me and know my anxious thoughts.

Point out anything in me that offends you,

    and lead me along the path of everlasting life.      ~ Psalm 139 (NLT)

     Verse 16 in this translation is absolutely beautiful -

You saw me before I was born.

Every day of my life was recorded in your book.

Every moment was laid out

before a single day had passed.

     I cannot begin to describe how much this verse helped me. How could I have no meaning when God planned out every moment of my life?! It still boggles my mind that the Creator of the universe, Savior of every single person of the world took the time to think about little me. I believe this will always be something that caused me to wonder at the awesomeness of our God. 

     Those thoughts, that storm I was struggling through, God knew about that before He created our world, before I was even a thought. He saw me and calmed that storm within me. "Thank You, Lord," doesn't seem like enough, but Lord, thank You. 

~ Abby

Home from Camp!

Greetings! 

I haven't posted in forever... I was a camp!!! I'm finally getting back into my schedule. This last week I had my first full week at my new job. And I was all by myself! The other woman in the office who does kind of the same thing I do was on vacation so I was all alone. And I made it through! God is good.

I just want to share a few thoughts from the time I had at camp. The theme was worship. What a great theme! Our meetings were wonderful. God really came and met us all individually and as a group! I am so thankful for what He did for me personally. I went to camp with a huge burden. I could not seem to get rid of it even though the situation that was connected had disappeared. I tried numerous times on my own, but I needed to truly realize that I couldn't not do it by myself. Letting go of the entire problem, I opened myself and in His mercy, God took it all away! That's one of the lessons I learned while I was up there. We feel like we need to handle it all when in reality, Jesus wants us to open our hearts and give it to Him. Truly give it to Him. Only then can He give us true peace. 



I had a fantastic time! My staff in housekeeping was amazing. Andrea, Sarah, & Kristen all worked hard and we had a good time together. I want to thank God very specifically for Andrea. We roomed together! She, without realizing it half the time, was such a great encouragement to me. Her amazing Christian walk was so obvious to everyone. She blessed me more than she will ever know!

I loved all the staff- we worked together very well and we had a good time too! Love you all!

Left to Right: Kristen, Sarah, Andrea, Abby
Photo By Andrea Dai

 

Blessings,

Abby

 

PS - I will post like normal starting again this week!





2013!

Greetings! We are already into the second month of 2013! I feel like so much has happened since I last posted!

The new year started out well- friends and family all around! My work schedule has changed very much with lots of different hours. Sometimes it's hard for me to remember where I am supposed to be on that particular day and time! But such is the life of a young adult.

In regards to school- I passed my science DSST test (Environment and Humanity) at the end of January! I would have like a slightly higher score, but I passed and so I was not going to complain at all! God is so good. That test was a breaking point for me. I'll explain later on.

I have now started American Literature. I had taken this test over a year ago, but I needed to pick another test to begin studying and this one looked, once again, fascinating. I have recently fallen back into reading again. I know! I have always loved reading, but life gets in the way and I forgot the feeling of sitting up late at night, curled under the covers with a good book! I am currently reading six (!) different books right now! Some of them are Jane Eyre, The Tenant of Wildfell Hall, Sons and Lovers, and The Beechers. Some of these I have read but I forgot how good they are. And besides all of this, there is nothing like the smell of a book.

In other news, I have made some important decisions. I am studying Journalism in the hopes of working for a magazine or newspaper. Television isn't my thing. But I will, ultimately, become a writer. It's always been something I like to do. But, quite honestly, I need to write. I don't want to write sometimes, but I force myself because if I don't, I feel like I'm suffocating. I'm drowning. It's my "therapy" if you will.

Okay, enough about that. Aside from my two jobs, church, school, and other miscellaneous things, I've been busy this year so far! But it's been a good busy. I am looking forward to new things, new experiences, starting new friendships, etc, this year! (I'm also giving the blog a "facelift.")

Blessings in 2013!
Abby

Time flies! It's the holidays!

Well, I have not posted anything for over a month! It is now the first of December! Christmas is around the corner. What are your upcoming plans for the holidays? How have you been, my readers?

Since I last posted, Hurricane Sandy came through and destroyed most of the East Coast. There has been much damage here in Jersey. We were safe, thank God, but I have a few friends who were affected. I would appreciate prayer for them. There are so many people who were affected and lost so much and many lost everything. It's a time for Christians to step up and help others. Don't just read about it or watch the news. Prayer is always good, but sometime, we need to get up and do something for others. God is faithful!


Thanksgiving arrived with full force. We had a full house: nine of us around the table! It was enough, believe me! But it was a great time! Two days before Thanksgiving however, my family and others from our church put together and delivered our Thanksgiving baskets. We filled up boxes with food for the holiday, including a turkey, stuffing, potatoes, and pies, and delivered it to families in our church and in the area to people who were suffering financially. It was such a great blessing to us to be able to help them at this time.

Our Thanksgiving, as I said, was great! We had the works: turkey, rice dressing, stuffing, sweet potatoes, veggies, cranberries, pies, cake, cookies, ice cream, etc! After the majority of our company left, we had a number of teenagers and young adults at the house to have some desserts with us, play some games, and just be together at the holidays!

Two friends slept over from Thanksgiving and we went shopping on Black Friday! Unlike the people who were on line at 3am, we slept then went to the mall around 10. It was busy and crowded, but not too bad. We got a lot of Christmas shopping done! It's always more fun to do things around the holidays with other people than by yourself. At least that's my opinion.

The majority of my Christmas shopping is done!!! So happy! Aside from ordering a few things here and there, I have all my presents done! Now I just have to wrap them all... the joys of the season!

Well, I promise to post soon about Christmas!

Merry Christmas! ~Abby

Faithfulness...

Well, in the past week I have had some good news- I passed my Humanities! I now have 6 more college credits! This was a huge pick-me-up. I was very discouraged over this and receiving a passing grade was exactly what I needed! :]


My hours, which had been cut down at work, are starting to pick up again which I am very grateful for. 


I have so much to be thankful for. I have a job, a supportive family, and friends that I can depend on! What more could I ask for?

"Thank you, Lord, for saving my soul;

Thank you, Lord, for making me whole.

Thank you, Lord, for giving to me

Thy great salvation, so rich and free!"

O Lord God of hosts,

Who is mighty like You, O Lord?

Your faithfulness also surrounds You. ~Psalm 89:8

I serve a great and wonderful God who rules over all and is faithful to those who trust and believe in Him! Thank you Jesus!


Yours in Him,
Abby